Thinking Non Thoughts
by Zephyr Seraphim
Summary: After the events of 'Birthday', Cordelia reflects. Mentions Angel/Cordelia, Xander/Cordelia, Doyle/Cordelia.


_There are moments in life that make you, that set the course of who you're gonna be. Sometimes they're little subtle moments...sometimes they're not. I'll show you what I mean. Bottom line is, even if you see them comin', you're not ready for the big moments. No-one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we? Helpless? Puppets? No, the big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are. You'll see what I mean._  
  
A demon-friend of Angel's told him that once just before he met Buffy. Now I understand what Whistler meant. And boy, was he ever right. Things changed a lot after Angel came into my life. I had my moments before and I really started having "the big moments" after I met my vampire boss. And all of those moments had led to this moment in my life: **me** Cordelia Chase...a part-demon. Part-what demon, I don't know. But I don't have horns or a tail so it couldn't be **that** bad, could it?  
  
I pull my legs to my chest and gaze sightlessly at the wall. My entire life had had its big moments and those moments led to this point...this was one of those big moments, the biggest moment I've ever experienced. And I'm scared...petrified, really. I don't know what I am, Skip told me that much...he told me that he couldn't be sure of what I'd become. Thus the petrifiedness I feel. (I don't care if that isn't a word, it's what I feel.)  
  
I'd been strong till now, two years - **two** years - of brain-wrenching visions, six (okay, five) years of fighting the forces of darkness and I didn't die **once**...let alone twice, I put Buffy to shame. Don't get me wrong, I was sad when she died especially the impact it had on Angel. And then she came back and I don't feel guilty anymore about thinking badly of her.  
  
I close my eyes and fade into my thoughts, forcing back tears. I haven't cried in so long and I don't want to start now. I didn't cry when I lost my babies...sure, they were demon spawn but I felt them move and I loved them. I didn't cry when I ended up with demon spawn in my head either...I had felt so helpless then. Wesley, Gunn and Angel were worried about me so I tried to put it off as nothing important...but it was, the demon raped me in its twisted way. I've had my moments of weakness though...but who hasn't had a moment of weakness?  
  
My biggest moment of weakness was in Pylea. For a few days, I got to be Queen C again...but it wasn't me...wasn't who I'd become since I'd met Angel. Sure, I miss being a queen, of course...who wouldn't? For the past two years, I'd become someone new and I didn't know that then. But now I do. Things change and you have to change with them or get left behind.  
  
I never intend to get left behind, I have a life...a responsibility. That's something new to me...I always thought I had everything, the greatest outfits, the best hair and make-up, the hottest guys, that was my life before I fell for Xander. I always told myself I'd never be caught dead with a loser for a boyfriend. But things change as I already mentioned. As I got closer to Xander I ended up as a member of the Scooby Gang and I felt a sense of belonging, that fighting the good fight was what I was supposed to do (although, I'd never tell them that).  
  
I played it off until I found Xander kissing Willow, that hurt more than I can say. I loved him and he betrayed me. We never really had a chance to do the "you hurt me" scene but I'm glad I was with Xander and I'll never regret it. But if he hadn't cheated on me, I probably wouldn't have ended up where I am at this point in life. I wouldn't have met Doyle.  
  
Doyle, I loved him...it's amazing what you realize in hindsight. He was there all that time and I never got the chance to tell him that. But he told me in his way, he gave me my visions. Because he loved me and he knew I'd take care of them. In the beginning, I didn't...I wanted nothing more than to get rid of them. After almost losing them, I realized that they were meant as a gift, not a curse.  
  
Then there's Angel. I don't know how I feel about him. I know I care about him, love him...not sure if it's **love** love or just sisterly love. We've kissed twice - okay, I've kissed him twice. Both kisses were because of the visions, the first kiss to get rid of them, the second to regain them. And Skip said something about feelings causing the visions. Does he love me the way I think he - no, **hope** - he does? And at this very moment, I realize I don't love Angel, I'm **in love** with him.  
  
"Cordelia?" Angel asks, sitting by me. I look at him and smile.  
  
"Angel?" I reply.  
  
"You okay?" he asks and I nod. He smiles. "Good, I was worried."  
  
"Me too," I answer.  
  
"So...what're you doing?" he asks.  
  
I smile again. "Thinking non-thoughts," I answer.


End file.
